Big bad discovery

I was just going through a booklet that my great-uncle Gene put together. He's been into genealogy for years, and this was something he made a few years ago. It turns out my great great great grandfather, Isaac Spivey, had a plantation with slaves. I hadn't known this before; I've always thought that my family were all immigrants from Ireland and Poland. Now I know different, and it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. I even let out a few tears, even though I tried not to because should it hurt me so bad? But it's how I feel. In the story on him, it says he fought in the Civil War and came out unhurt, but that he lost $15,000 worth of slaves. I'm so embarrassed. I mean, I know things were different back then, but just the thought that I am descended from people who thought it was okay to hold human beings hostage and force them to work for nothing for their whole lives, and split up families, and deny them basic rights, like freedom to make their own life choices, and all of it, just makes me feel sad. What does it make me?

What is going on is a whole lot of everything

I'm sitting here in Panama City, Florida, in Calloway, kinda chilling really. Joey drove down here with her kids and brought Alexandra with her. They scooped me in Thomasville, so here we are. I've been boring this week, I wish I was back in Thomasville with Tristan and Travion. It feels so right to me to have my family back. I'm kind of stressing because I will totally be in Travion's territory when I get back there, like I don't know anyone, and the ppl I've met I don't think I'd have a real connection with. It's just that Thomasville is so small that there are all these friendship/relationship dynamics that I don't understand. And a lot of the people are so unlike me that even if we get along and talk nice, I can't imagine really getting close to anyone. And I felt that way about Travion when we were married too, like there was this barrier that couldn't be crossed. I hate to say that I think it has to do with intellectualism or lack thereof, but when I've tried to turn topics to more serious, thoughtful, thinking type conversations, I got blank stares. Not every time, but they're just less interested in it. Now I'm not saying that I'm smarter than them, it's just I think differently and I enjoy discussing social issues and political developments. And I find myself being quiet, since I just don't really know how to carry on insipid conversations beyond nodding and agreeing. And I want to talk about stuff!!
But I'm more than willing to go for it. I think back to how intensely Travion loved me, how he'd do anything for me, whether I asked or not. I think he really does still love me, and I don't think he ever stopped. I feel the same. And that is most important to me. I need love. I mean, I think we did go through phases of hating each other too, but that passionate, heart-pounding emotion was always there. Mama and Joey and a couple other people have said that Travion and I just needed to grow up a little more. We always had fun together, and I think we gave each other what we needed, but we had to live our own lives as independent adults before we could truly appreciate what it means to dedicate yourself to ensuring another person's well-being. Today, at this moment, I'm hoping that it works out. Mama sent an email telling me that our talents and determination combined will mean big things and real happiness for us, and that meant so much to me that she said that. I am a Mama's girl, can't help it, and I need to hear good things from her to feel secure with what I do.
So we'll be in Thomasville tomorrow, to spend a night or two, celebrate Travion's 34th birthday, and then we're all driving back to Virginia so I can see my family, and gather my little possessions, and once my car is fixed, I will be headed back to that cute little small town that I hope to call home very soon. So I'm basically feeling happy and excited, and I know that no matter what, I'm a survivor, and what's more, I am an expert at picking myself up when my world falls apart, as it has so many times before. I don't think it's a curse either, to lose everything over and over. It's all a learning experience, right? But if my future is nothing but love and being breezy and watching my little boy enjoy having his family together again, I will be beyond satisfied. I'll be ecstatic.